From Our Home to Yours
by Dr. Kendell Banack, Registered Psychologist
If you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, you are not alone! So much has changed in our local and global community. We fear for the health and safety of family and friends, financial security, and economic recovery after the pandemic. We feel grief for current and anticipated losses: the loss of gatherings for worship, celebration, or grief, and even the day-to-day loses of not feeling free in our community, saying hello to a co-worker, or going for a walk with a friend.
An additional stress on families is coexisting in the same place for days on end. As human beings, we require both closeness and distance to maintain a sense of well-being. With everyone inhabiting the same space, physical and emotional distance can be very difficult to achieve. Kids and parents may find alternate, more painful ways of creating needed distance such as yelling, throwing, and sometimes even violence.
Even the smallest of us are feeling the feels of the pandemic and coping in the way they know how. I have seen my daughter retreat more often to her room for quiet away from her little brother. My three-year-old has needed multiple interventions to prevent hitting. And for many of us parents navigating new work and homeschooling expectations, our internal resources are taxed. My husband and I have certainly had to negotiate daily structured time away from the family, and one another, to maintain our own sanity and composure.
In our current situation, where some stressors are increased and we are stuck in our homes, how can we bring calm to the overwhelm? How can we experience distance when we are in such close quarters?
There are so many resources currently available online, seeking these alone can be overwhelming. Here I have compiled some of my favourite strategies for coping during the pandemic.
Parents: Carve out Time of your Own
If your home is anything like mine, the only space that is remotely my own is my bedroom, and even here the boundaries are rather porous as my young children float in and out during the day and sometimes the night. Carving out a space of my own has proven to be one of the most challenging, but also most important aspects of my mental health during this time of isolation.
There are many reasons that we as parents have difficulty carving out space for ourselves in addition to the physical limitations of our homes: there is the all too common guilt that may arise if we try to take even a minute for ourselves, there are the demands of family life, and, if parenting alone, space and time away from children is an even scarcer resource.
Here is my rallying call: now more than ever is the time to carve out time for yourself. With the absence of the ten minutes you used to have in the car by yourself between school drop off and work or the solo run to the grocery store, there is likely a deficit of quiet, alone time during a period in history when stress is high and self-care is so needed.
If the guilt voice gets in the way, notice the guilt voice, ask for some space, just a half hour of space, and negotiate the how, when, where, and what of the matter.
How: If you have a partner, together determine the windows of time each of you will enjoy. If you don’t have a partner, consider allowing the kids a half hour of tech time during your break. Communicate to your children what is happening in a developmentally appropriate way. Because my children are younger, I like to tell them “Mommy has to go and recharge her batteries. When I come back, I will be refreshed and better able to take care of you.” (Bonus: this models self-care!) Expect some pushback at first until your children become accustomed to you taking time for yourself.
When: If possible, I strongly recommend that this time is taken in the morning or afternoon everyday. This brings the greatest benefit to you and your family as you re-enter the family space better able to steer the ship the rest of the day.
Where and what: What you do with your time depends on your needs. Perhaps you are exhausted and need to take a nap. Perhaps hiding in your closet watching Netflix fits the bill. Maybe your body feels stagnant and needs to move. Maybe you feel drawn to a blanket, tea, and book, or perhaps yoga or mediation. The only rule is to ask yourself what you need and to listen without judgement. You might be surprised by what you discover.
NOTE: If this step alone pushes your limits at this time, stop here. Taking care of yourself so you can return to your family with a more regulated nervous system will bring the greatest benefit to you and your family.
Bring Awareness to Experience
Mindfulness is a great strategy to calm the mind. Here are a few simple exercises within the domain of mindfulness.
Adults
One of the most powerful practices I have enjoyed during the pandemic is a five-step technique offered by Tara Brach, psychologist and meditation teacher, called RAIN: recognize, allow, investigate, nurture, and the fifth step, after the RAIN. The goal of this practice is to become aware of internal experience, label feelings, discover associated needs, and approach oneself with compassion. This in turn opens the opportunity to experience emotional, mental, and physiological calming. Tara Brach uses RAIN in the context of pandemic fears in a recent podcast you can access here.
I also recommend this Tolerance for Uncertainty Workbook. It encourages awareness of feelings and also offers distress tolerance and coping skills.
There are also a plethora of free yoga and mindfulness resources available online. Here are a couple of my favourites:
Kids
So far, my favourite way to pause and give my kids a chance to share how they are feeling about the pandemic is by using a time capsule. The time capsule helps kids place their feelings within the context of the pandemic, thereby simultaneously making sense of their feelings and normalizing them. My three-year-old was able to articulate his sadness because he misses his grandparents. My six-year-old put words to how much she misses her best-friend and school. The time capsule also gives the opportunity to foster hope in children, for example, by exploring what they are most excited to do when the pandemic is over. Teens might enjoy an unstructured task of journaling and drawing their experience.
I also love this little video for younger kids. It helps explain the pandemic and normalizes experience. My son requests it rather frequently these days.
Listen to Music
Adults
Music impacts brain function: it improves memory, reduces heart rate and blood pressure, and also increases dopamine in the brain creating a “feel good” effect. Find your favourite music and turn it up.
Kids
Music can shift the energy in the house and can also help kids express what they are feeling. I don’t even know how many times I have googled “Fred Penner You Tube Playlist” or “Kids Dance Party You Tube Playlist” in the last month.
A friend of mine is posting weekly material on her website, Ms. Olson’s Quarantunes. She is a music teacher out of Norwood School in Wetaskiwin and has age appropriate material for kids in kindergarten, grade 1-3, and grade 4-6. This could also be a fun resource for your family.
Go Outside
The mental health benefits of being in nature are well-documented. Go outside!
Adults
Just being close to the earth, trees, and sky might do the trick. Feel the wind on your face. Feel the sun on your skin. If you are looking for a more structured experience, here are some of my favourite outdoor activities that always help to bring about calm:
Kids
Younger kids typically love going outside. Send them out with a bowl so they can fill it with whatever they find in your backyard. Go on a journey to the nearest tree and use your senses to explore the bark. Ask them what the ground feels like when they walk on it.
Teens might be coaxed outside by a patio chair sitting in the sun. If they are talking on the phone, encourage them to lie under a tree or look up at the sky. Ask them to plant some seeds into the earth. Mindful walking and forest bathing might be a fit too.
Exercise
We all know that exercise is not just good for our physical health but also our mental wellbeing. Exercise is proven to increase mood and also support sleep. Combining exercise with outside time could give some bang for your buck.
Adults
You can make exercise as simple or complicated as needed. Depending on your current functioning, a walk around the block might be challenge enough. If you are limited by resources, get creative. I still remember my mom pumping soup cans up and down as part of her exercise routine. If you have ten minutes of time or energy, ten minutes is great. Just do what you can.
Kids
Kids are naturally active. Even captive in the house, their little bodies don’t stay still for long. My kids have taken to naked running as a pastime. Family tag is another favourite these days.
Teens are more likely to go physically stagnant at this time. If you notice your teen is more inactive than usual, become firm about necessary movement time every day. Lethargy is associated with depression. When in depression, one of the first steps is behavioural activation. This simply means to get the body moving. Depending on their pre-quarantine fitness level, this may mean walking for 15 minutes every day or it might mean going for a run. Hold in mind that moving every day is as important as eating food. Set realistic goals and required daily movement time with your teen.
Any questions? Please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Good luck!!